Minutes like Seconds

and time's running out
but you're still relaxed, composed
over this hectic situation

and time messes us up

and the clock on the wall
just mercilessly ticks on
minutes like seconds
spinning around an empty barrel

and you dont notice what i want

and like a dragon
my heart leaps from its chest
like music off the key
like a broken guitar

and the day dies
coz minutes are like seconds
spinning on an empty barrel

it dies too fast
and maybe im too late
maybe time's my enemy
a sin

but only maybe?
im too uncertain
coz my heart has exploded
and it feels so fake

and the day dies again
maybe time isnt a sin, my enemy

i still see you before me

but the minutes pass like seconds
spinning on an empty barrel

Change

Sin.

My life has been so bittersweet, full of its ups and downs. It lacks things, and sometimes needs things too.

And every corner i turn, there's a mystery awaiting for me.

People call it "change". And all my life, i've tried to avoid change. I would run from the bad change, and i would aim for the good ones.

And thats sin. I sin to prevent things from this... "change".

I dont want change. Or rather dont like it. Could i ever stop change?


Maybe.

You could breathe. You could take a deep breath and swing around one more time. And fall back into sanity. Or grace.

Maybe gracefully fall back into the arms of grace? Maybe.

And you could see, if you wanted to, see that maybe grace isnt so bad. Maybe grace isnt a sin.

But maybe getting to grace means sinning. From the path of sanity to grace. Maybe?


Twist.

And there are complications. Twists and folds of life. Like a hurricane, which is a twist in the weather, like a blizzard or snow storm.

What ARE those if we use them as symbols for life? Complications? Mixed up worlds? Twists in life? Maybe? Probably?

Surely?


Beside.

If i want to, i would quietly follow you, to where you want to lead me.

But i may not always follow you.

And if you expect me to lead, maybe i wont, if i feel like it. As usual, i probably wont.

If you want to acompany me along this road, walk beside me. And maybe we can talk about the twists in life. Or our sins.


Eyes.

We see through them. I've always wondered what they are. How they had a colour to it in the middle, how all our eye colours are different. Mine is black, yours could be brown, grey, blue, purple...


Person.

And with you beside me, i see through your mask, your insecurities.

We talk even more, and our minds think alike. During this long journey, and we dont even know what we are doing here, you've led me, followed me, walked beside me.

Now we are walking beside each other. The road twists and gets narrower, but we still stand by each other.

Our minds think differently, but yet are alike.


Earth.

And that journey as just begun.

Change. I'm scared of change, but im willing to go through it.

Just stand beside me, and we'll talk about the world.

Black Fatigue

splinters and shadows
leaping and flying across the walls
and the fire jumps from its place

darkness piles up from wall to wall
and the fire crackles gleefully
and in the middle of nowhere

but im not scared, just tired
tired of thinking
tired of battles
tired of me

untiold wars just go on day to day
it could be in broad daylight
some in the coldest nights
some in my silent heart
the rest in my raging soul

and im not scared, but tired

maybe? the word creeps through the cracks of the wall
into my head
"maybe" i whisper in reply
afraid to hear my own voice
the word trails off into the distance

jaws set tight
i put out the fire
take my bag
set my back on this place forever

and ever

i dont understand
im not scared, maybe tired
tired...
or maybe tired?

The Stirrings of Unease

THE 1ST STIRRINGS OF UNEASE
weight of worry
heavy on your shoulders
the ground heavy
full of your worries
the worst hasnt come yet

and whenever you look at that person
can you trace the slightest flutter
of wings in your stomach?

THE 2ND STIRRINGS OF UNEASE
the tension in you
unreleased, pressurised
built up in your body, your core
eating you up

when you look at him
you search for hidden feelings
suddenly, its just nervousness

THE 3RD STIRRINGS OF UNEASE
you look down at your feet
the weight of the world on you

the questions come
but both of you cant face the truth
you lie, and the lie comes out sincerely:

"I still love you"

and it feels wrong

THE FOURTH STIRRINGS OF UNEASE
your mind goes blank
now you just say empty words
hollow sounding meaningless phrases
which once you meant it
with all your heart

awkwardness sets in
the unease builds up
questions arent made for these moments

THE FIFTH STIRRINGS OF UNEASE
your heart sounds hollow
and finally reality sets in
lost in a sea of shadows
and facing worst fears

will "I love you" work now?

THE SIXTH
the break comes

and it goes

and now you lie calmly
but still
the stirrings of unease
stir inside you

your heart is a silent shadow
wandering through the dark and misty hallways
of your lost soul
wandering through this... this world

your heart is just a silent shadow

Black Oak

we loved to hear the wind whistle
and the leaves sway
on the black oak

that was a long time ago
when the old house along the farms was mine
where the back field was mine to keep

and where the morning glories grew wild
on the hill
next to the sea

and i loved the sea

down by the sea
where everything is perfect
was perfect

one silent look
cascades down silently
and is lost in a sea of thoughts

the last rays of the evening
she was playing by the sea
and suddenly
she was stolen

she was stolen by the sea

a year and a half passed
death folded among the dish towels
it floats itself above the family
hanging around us like an invisible hold
and is lost in family photos
wordlessly we finger her absence

that could happen

the sea
a curse, a grave, a death
thats where life meets death

thats where i'll never go again

i wordlessly finger her absence
staring up at the black oak
wondering where she is

i miss her
i miss the ocean

Lying Still

afraid of...
breaking down
maybe even tearing

or even afraid of...
lying still

lying still
to remember
everything

memories
fall
like rain, like a storm
ceasing, but coming back again

afraid of
looking
at the stillness
of your own reflection

afraid
of realising in that reflection
that something is missing
something wiped clean off

happiness

i miss you
could i miss you more?

Weaving Magic

colts
breaking through the dawn
riding so freely
across the pink sky

which is now turning yellow

and the colts drown
to form a wolf
its snout is raised
as if it smells something
in the yellow dawn

and the blue comes

the wolf's shape disperses
to form small free shapes
to form butterflies
all flying around the air

the rain comes
the blue disappears
and low, hanging grey clouds
visible just above the sky
somehow they look like a thick winter quilt
patched here and there

the clouds break
and the blue is visible again
and the clouds form a bird
somehow unable to fly
and still struggling to learn

and evening sets in
purple paints the world

a white bridge is formed
a distinct cross between two worlds

the last rays of light
the darkest shade of blue, maybe even black
covers the world

the world sorrowfully sighs
as everyone lies asleep

up there, the clouds
unable to stop
continue to weave their magic

Blinding White

just another day
the skies are grey
the rain has come
everything is washed away

grey of the skies
cracking open my heart
God knows what im going through
something different

in the noisy chatter
of the room
i write my story

binding the grey with white
i weave through the maze of right and wrong
i thought i was complete
but i wasnt

its been so twisted, complicated
completely unrealistic
yet its reality

i can't feel like this
i punch my heart
and it tears into pieces

can i ever go back
to just repair the damage

the grey and white binded together
form a blinding white
seeing through the darkness of the maze
i struggle
yet the journey seems easier

i struggle a little bit more

Walls of Breath

uncertainty
builds up
the four walls of pressure

9am in the morning
a usual day at school
choir practice per normal
the bored voices of students

a loud sound goes off
a chemistry explosion?
something bigger

and the choir hushes
to the rhythm of pounding hearts
one more shot into the hall window
and the chaos starts

running students
terrorized teachers
uncertain people

11.21am
lives are changed forever
throughout the hall
more blasts sounding
more shattered windows
more glass lying on the floor
the demonic splintering the angelic

terrorized by their surroundings
everyone looks over
a student prays
another cries
a teacher bleeds
the rest stare in stunned confusion

gunfire, blasts, crackling, ringing
what next?
too soon, too young, too scared
paralysed

12.03pm
the silence and darkness of the library
angels can be seen
embracing the lifeless
their wings flicker faintly
soft humming of hymns are heard
the walls start breathing

i lie on my bed
numb, emotional, non-feeling
crying out for answers
why? it was too soon
i was too young
im crying out into the silence

cause only the silence
can embrace my uncertainty

and with the silence
the walls start breathing again

Field of Innocence

this song is sung by evanessence. it can describe the way i feel now... my innocence gone and my heart trapped somewhere else. i think this song's lyrics would be meaningful to you.

FIELD OF INNOCENCE ~ EVANESSENCE

I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now

Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all

I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow it seems colder now

Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything

[Latin hymn:]
Iesu, Rex admirabilis
Et triumphator nobilis,
Dulcedo ineffabilis,
Totus desiderabilis.

Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything
Oh, Where

Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything

I still remember

Darkness' Blindfold/ Starless Nights

the sun will eventually set
darkness would wrap itself against the sky
darkness is like a blanket; a blindfold
and these starless nights
another one gone by

empty spaceless blackness, darkness, emptiness
flakes of snow glistening against the porchlights for comfort
but no, the nightwatchers arent here to look after us

the sun has no mercy, no passion
it doesnt have anymore warmth in its light
and all we need now is the moon
but its gone to hide

the lakes are frozen once again
i look in remorse at the dead weeds
darkness... blackness
it covers the whole world
with these starless nights

ten years have passed
i look into the black sky
another starless night gone by

Withering Heights

the flowerless vines wrap themselves against the white concrete
all around, summer is ending

summer is dying... dying... dying

autumn, welcoming winter
the song to lost hopes

but summer this time was different
the changes made were unhappy
the birds sang, the tune hollow, empty, haunting

but the old house at the side
must be wondering
whats wrong with change?
what IS change?

summer is dying, dying, drying
autumn is coming, coming, coming
winter is near, near, near
spring is far behind time, time

cause time is eternity

the red and gold leaves rush up
to meet the air
to your feet they fly
they land near you

leaves have life, they have death

dishonestly, shamefully
you stare at the sunset
something is wrong with the colour of the sky
the sun can't set probably
his daughter Earth is dying

the old house lay in the corner of Withering Heights
it saw what was happening in the distance
a sound it had never heard before

the sound of human activity
and with one last look from father sun
the fog rose up into the air

Connected Fear

sorrow
running in my veins
the fear is hollow sounding
echoing through my heart

but outside is bright
the sun hasn't stopped shining

im not supposed to be feeling this way!
lost, angry, fearful, deep in thought

the fear connects
i sense what he's thinking
i can't breathe anymore

and im scared of what may happen
but nothing is wrong with me

my heart is slowly dropping
but its still in place

i feel what he feels
how he breathes

fear
connecting at a certain level
connected thoughts
collected identical thoughts
running through the invisible tunnels
connecting our minds

Rain and Grey

the sky hangs
just a feet above the ground
trying to collapse on us

the sky is very grey
it has been raining for eternity;
time is eternity

everyone is running for shelter
the rain shoots down
onto the black earth
the soil has become muddy from the rain

the rain are arrows
the water - our enemy?

Paper Hearts

all around
winter is ending
spring is coming
conquering the skies

everywhere you go
you see people with paper hearts
they don't feel

walking up and down the street aimlessly
you are the only one who can feel

all these people's paper hearts
just hasn't broken yet
your heart has just been wounded

inside you're bleeding
your soul is dying
but these people have paper souls
they can't feel for you
they can't show sympathy

you walk down
you bump into me

and finally, you feel again
my heart isn't paper either
both of us stare

and through your reflection
you step into my world
im your reflection

and in this world
people's hearts break

but there is just a person
with a paper heart

that person is you

Beyond

what lies beneath the soul
a mystery, untamed
but tenderly leaping up
terrorizing souls

these are lost souls
hunting for hidden meanings
searching for dark reasons

they sink deeper into the shadows
into misery, into death
into hell... deep down
in their own world of black

you can't reach them
yet they seem too near to you
you're scared of them
but yet they are scared of you

like shadows they glide around
their feet don't touch the floor
they haunt people
but at the same time they scare themselves

they can look beyond their mind's eye
they look into their own dark reflection
then into the black night beyond their black face

they understand what it's like to die
they've experienced death
not a physical death
but their soul is dead
gone with the ruthless wind

they can wander aimlessly
wander in circles
and drift eerily into their own misty world
they always get lost

they've never seen light before
but the people with light from their hearts
they run away from
they can't take the brightness

and yes, a million things can be said about
these shadow souls, lost souls
a million more reasons
but these reasons remain untold

The Past

the woods
filled with the 5am mist

i stand beneath the most beautiful tree
its beauty still in tact
after centuries

the horses, now tame
no longer come to me

and centuries ago
they were free, they were wild
they would gather had my feet
i would teach them the world

but now, three centuries
gone in the flicker of an eye
humans scare them

everything has changed
the mist would have been slate blue
but now its just a cold white

and the forest no longer shines
with that mysterious light
it's just cold

yes, everything has changed
but im simply part of the past
living in the past

so i'll always be standing
beneath the most beautiful tree
the horses, the wild horses
would always run to me

and i would teach the world about them

On Our Own

i can't turn back
but i know my mistake was gold
maybe i'd rather loose you
than hang on a loose cliff

we could have shown the world
if you never lied
we could have told stories
if you kept promises

everything i do now reminds me of you
everything we did together'
is everything i do now

and we could have shared with the world
what secrets we had discovered
all wrapped up in your perfect eyes
but now they just reflect hurt and guilt

i could have lost a loss with you
but you've taken a piece of my heart with you
and i just can't let you go

and we could have told the world
everything we did
all on our own

its only a could have now

all on our own
the stars shared our secrets
all on our own
we chased cars and rainbows

i wish i can do that again
on our own